
They dumped boxes and boxes full of records on me a couple of days ago so I can sort, clean, grade and price them. So if I have to suffer through this, why should I do it alone? Misery loves company, as the old saying goes. And I’m more than willing to share.
I know someone is going to ask why so many of these reviews are of records that are so bad. The reason is simple. Let me explain.
Theodore Sturgeon was a writer from the Golden Age of science fiction and he is claimed to have developed Sturgeon’s Law: 90% of everything is crap. I suspect he came up with that when he was a magazine editor having to sort through the slush pile. Having been an editor myself, I can sympathize. And nowhere is Sturgeon’s Law more appropriate than when it comes to music. Frankly, judging from the stuff that comes through here, it’s closer to 99% than 90%. A lot of the music produced both now and in the past is, frankly, mediocre at best and pure crap at the worst.
What makes things worse is that we’re a charity thrift shop. We don’t exactly get primo merch dumped in our donation boxes. All too often what we get is, well… “Hey, I know, instead of going to the expense of getting a dumpster and landfilling this stuff, let’s dump it on St. Vincent de Paul for free!” Seriously. That’s what we have to deal with . We actually had to install security cameras and literally call the sheriff’s department on people for trying to use as a free garbage disposal service.
What that means is very rarely do we get the “good stuff”. We don’t get pristine Beatles or Fleetwood Mac records. We don’t get beautiful old gems of recordings by Goodman or Elvis. What we get, all too often, is whatever was leftover that didn’t sell at the garage sale, even with a “FREE!” tag on it. Things like, oh “The Latin Mass for Nostalgic Catholics”. And yes, there really is such an album. It’s in the stack with the others.
Anyway, I’m going to do this a bit differently than the last time I put you through this. I’m just going to put up a pic of the album cover and the caption will be my review.
So here we go. Oh, I should warn you there may be sarcasm. In fact I can pretty much guarantee that there will be sarcasm.

Tone deaf man with a sinus condition attempts to sing country. Badly. Fortunately the studio mixing is so horrid and over produced it renders the vocals almost unintelligible.

AC/DC wannabes make a great deal of noise and almost, but not quite, manage to produce something that can be listened to without actual physical pain. Almost.

I read the notes twice and never did figure out what the hell the name of the group is. Not that it matters. Wow this one was good. I mean genuinely, seriously good. Solid 1970s era genuinely good funk. If this album doesn’t make you want to get up and move you’re probably dead.

This is a genuine rip off. They plaster the name Benny Goodman all over this thing to try to push sales. Has nothing to do with Goodman. At all. All they do is cover some songs the Goodman band did back during their heyday. And it was recorded at “The Brussels World’s Fair”. Ooo, the excitement. I perhaps shouldn’t be this harsh. The actual music isn’t horrible. They’re an average orchestra that manages to at least not butcher the music. But trying to gin up sales by plastering Benny Goodman’s name all over the record irritates me enormously.


The horror that is this album will haunt my dreams for years to come. The guitar and bass aren’t tuned. They’re both ever so slightly off key. Kyle is off key. To the point where you wonder if the musicians (if you can call them that) are playing the same song he’s singing. I’ve had a lot of really bad albums come through here but only once or twice before have I come across one so bad that I wanted to take it out back, burn it, bury the ashes in an unmarked grave and then have it declared a crime against humanity. Half way through the first track the cats ran and hid under the sofa and didn’t come out until dark. I would have joined them if I could have. And then there’s that cover photo. OMG do I really need to go into detail about that cover photo? What, you couldn’t afford to pay for a stock photo of a woman in a swimsuit or something to try to jazz up this abomination?

The New Andre Kostelanetz “wonderland of sound”
Well, a “wonderland of sound” it isn’t. This is the sort of album that almost immediately begins to grate on your nerves. It is the epitome of “elevator music”. It takes popular tunes and genuinely good music of the day like Volare and Unchained Melody and turns them into generic, insipid pap that is utterly without emotion or meaning. I could actually feel my IQ dropping with every song I listened to from this album.

D-I-V-O-R-C-E by Tammy Wynette
I know Tammy is supposed to be one of the queens of country western music. I know there are people out there who love the title song of this album. Don’t care. This album is probably one of the leading reasons for calls to suicide prevention hotlines. It isn’t that it’s done badly. It isn’t. It’s that the songs are so utterly and totally depressing that about 10 minutes into it you start to kinda wish that asteroid up there would just hit us and get it all over with. There simply is no joy in this album. None.

Ballet Folkloric de Mexico, Amalia Hernandez
While I’m not a huge fan of dance, I am a firm believer that the dance and the music are intimately intertwined with one another, and they should not, cannot, be separated. At least not without losing a great deal of the meaning. This album is a good example of that. Even worse, when they try to cram the music from a ballet or opera into a form like a vinyl LP where you only have about 20 minutes of recording time per side, they are forced to edit, truncate, to make it fit so you lose not only the context provided by the dance itself but also a great deal of the music as well.
Los Dioses, the first track on this album, is a good example. Look it up on Youtube and see the actual ballet and you’ll see what I mean. It isn’t that this album is bad. It’s actually pretty good. The problem is that you can’t take a ballet/opera that runs an hour and a half and which is intimately married with the dancers and acting on stage to provide it meaning, and cram it into two 20 minute LP sides.
I can’t seem to put a link in a caption, so here’s what Los Dioses is supposed to look and sound like. Yes, the quality of the recording is terrible but it’s good enough to give you an idea of what is missing from an album like this.

I love polka. I grew up with it. It originated in Bohemia, now part of the Czech Republic. The name comes from the Czech word pulka, meaning half step or little step from the short, quick steps that were used in the dance that was done with the music. It’s supposed to be quick, light, fun, exciting. And somehow Yankovic in this album manages to suck every bit of joy and fun and excitement out of all of it. Dull? OMG it’s so dull. And so slick and over produced and lacking of any enthusiasm at all that he’s turned it into the polka equivalent of elevator music. They’ve even introduced a — Oh lord I don’t believe I have to say this, a crappy organ. Yes. An organ. In polka music. Will the horror never cease?
Ooo, ooo, it’s almost over at last! Just one more to go!

Christmas with the Vienna Boys Choir
Even though this record was from 1967 it looks like it was never played. After listening to the first side, I know why. One of the cats is still hiding under the bed and refuses to come out. But at least the neighbors’ dogs stopped barking now.
There! Finally! I’ve tortured you long enough.













