Explaining New Vacuum Cleaner to the Cat

Cat: ARRGGHHH!!! What the hell is that — that thing???

Me: Oh for… Stop being so melodramatic. What’s your problem now?

Cat: What is that – that big black thing?

Me: Oh for heaven’s sake, you were sitting there watching me unpack it yesterday and now you’re scared of it?

Cat: It’s new. I hate new.

Me: I told you yesterday. It’s our new vacuum cleaner.

Cat: EVIL! Spawn of Satan! Hiss! Hiss!

Me: You can stop that right now.

Cat: Is not vacuum cleaner. Vacuum cleaner is that tall thing that you torture every week.

Me: Uh? What do you mean, torture?

Cat: You plug its tail into the wall and then drag it around on the floor tormenting it while it screams in agony. Now I don’t mind that kind of thing. I am a predator and we enjoy tormenting and torturing our prey before we eat it. But even I think what you do to that vacuum cleaner is a bit excessive. Have you ever considered therapy…

Me: Oh, stop it. The only thing the mighty predator actually tried to catch around here was a ladybug that you stalked for half an hour and when it wiggled its wings you ran and hid under the sofa.

Cat: It looked at me funny.

Me: Look, I told you before, this is the new vacuum cleaner. We wouldn’t need a new vacuum cleaner if you didn’t shed your own weight in fur every week. How the hell do you even do that? I ran some numbers once and calculated the amount of energy it would take to grow that much fur and then examined the amount of calories you take in with your food and you’d have to eat about four times as much as you do in order to even grow that much fur…

Cat: Wait, you actually calculated how much food it would take to grow my fur?

Me: Well, I got to wondering…

Cat: ….

Me: Don’t you look at me like that.

Cat: You need a hobby. Never mind. This is not a vacuum cleaner.

Me: I would have hobbies if I didn’t have to spend all my time cleaning up after you. And that’s one of the reasons I got this thing.

Cat: It’s evil.

Me: No, it is not evil! Y0u’ll like it!

Cat: I hate it. What’s that blinking blue light?

Me: That one? That means that it has a wifi connection.

Cat: ….

Me: Why are you staring at me like that?

Cat: You bought a vacuum cleaner with wifi.

Me: Uh, well, yeah…

Cat: ……

Me: What?

Cat: You have a vacuum cleaner with wifi. So like if, oh, you’re in Ohio or somewhere you get an urge to clean something at two in the morning while you’re in a hotel you can start the vacuum cleaner back home. It will get tangled in the curtains, overheat, start the house on fire, and when you get home our house will be a charred ruin and I’ll be hiding in the neighbor’s bushes traumatized for life.

Me: ….

Cat: Your dishwasher has wifi, doesn’t it?

Me: Uh, well, yeah…

Cat: Did you ever figure out why it has wifi?

Me: Uh, well, no.

Cat: And yet you humans think cats are weird.